Instant Ootball-ity

Can you complete this worksheet? If not, please read on. For years, scientists have been perplexed by the sudden onset of "Ootball-ification." A state in which the afflicted subject, henceforth referred to as the "Ootballed," is overcome with the extreme need to skip the first letter of every word spoken or written. Information is scarce, but doctors believe the disease is contracted by wearing sweatshirts with the word "OOTBALL" written in faded green letters. Again, many things are still unknown about Ootballity, and anyone with any information on the subject should step forward right away.

As the Ootballed toll begins to rise, experts fear a large scale outbreak and have started taken measures to reduce casualties. Sure signs that your neighbors/co-workers/friends are carriers, are headaches, nausea, and utter confusion after the word "itch" is muttered at seemingly angry situations/people. Scientists have released a list of known cures, which include: hypnotism, mind control, a giant slap to the face, squirrel vomit taken orally, and in rare cases, decapitation.

Atomic Atomic Fireballs

While it may seem farfetched to the uninitiated, there is a very serious risk of the popular snack 'Atomic Fireballs' becoming dangerous nuclear warheads.  The events leading up to this catastrophe occur in 6 simple steps.

1.  Due to poor FDA supervision, large supplies of Atomic Fireballs are exposed to dangerous levels of radiation.

2. The radiation causes complex molecular transformations creating the existence of unstable Uranium (U-235) and Plutonium (Pu-239) within the candy.

3. The boxes are then shipped worldwide to unsuspecting children.

4. As children bite into their supposed delicious treat, they set off a nuclear blast with a 7 miles radius.

5. Because of the obvious lack of eye witnesses to the cause of the blast, children around the world continue to decimate their home towns.

6. Post-apocalyptic scenarios ensue.

Do not be fooled by the playful 'Chewy' added to the name.  The only chewiness to speak of are the medium rare victims just outside of the blast zone.

Molecular Digitization

If you have ever thought that Social Networks such as Facebook and Twitter would destroy the world, you'd be correct. Based on convincing trending models, by 2150 100% of the population will be on at least one Social Network (and yes, even babies and nearly dead old people). At this point in time there will be the technology to digitize a person into their computer (like Pleasantville meets Tron). Through the process known as Molecular Digitization, people will be able to transfer their entire being into the computer and live out their lives in a Sim like world and be part of the ultimate Social Network. The risk would be high as the transformation is permanent (one-way) and has a 50% success rate (50% chance it will work, 50% chance it will kill you). Because everyone in the future is addicted to Social Networks, they will be willing to take this risk. The immediate result will be half of the population dying. The other 50% will be trapped in the the internet forever. With no humans left on Earth maintaining the world's infrastructure, the internet will crash along with the Sim world and what is left of the "human" race. Molecular Digitization is inevitable unless we destroy Social Networks immediately.

Flash Foreign Fruit Vendor

As world economies begin to crumble, the amount of available jobs will start to dwindle. Since everybody loves fruit, the obvious career switch will be to become a fruit vendor. However, no one trusts fruit vendors without an accent, leading everyone to feign likeness and accent of a foreign culture. With the sudden increase in fruit vendors and the original vendors taking great offense to the new 'fakers', this will lead to massive inter-cultural food fights, decimating the already small amount of fruit. With the world's supply of fruit gone, citizens will die out due to the missing nutrients they no longer receive. This trend will soon spread to vegetables vendors, magazine vendors, cigarette vendors, arcade games, and Coinstar machines.

Gravitational Realignment - aka. "Running Fever"

As the great Greek philosopher Fruitius once said, "Running running is so fun, running is for everyone." But I bet Fruitius didn't know about Gravitational Realignment, also known as "Running Fever." This is, as the name suggests, when the planet's gravity shifts from a 180 degree angle to a 175 degree angle. If this were to happen, the human race will never be able to stand still due to gravity always pulling you forward. The result - a continuously running human race. This will cause mankind to either die from exhaustion or from mortal bleeding from worn down stubbed legs. Gravitational Realignment is likely to occur, as all scientists agree, if a highly magnetic asteroid passes within 200,000 miles of the earth which would alter the gravitational pull of the Earth's core. In order to survive this cataclysmic event, one must wear a gravitational realignment suit (complete with boots) which will compensate for the gravitational changes. Please inquire about this suit in the comments as we sell them via this site for a low low price of $20,000 (so worth it!). It comes in 3 themes - Bear, Monkey, and Vampire.

Extreme Birdification - What You Need To Know

Image Source - http://www.flickr.com/photos/22896082@N06/3502726653/

One of the most likely ways that the human race will come to an end is via a process known as Extreme Birdification. This is when a human spontaneously turns into a bird. Extreme Birdification is widely accepted as "very possible" by the scientific community. So if you see an increase in the bird population, you may very well be in the middle of the apocalypse.

Spontaneous Moon Disappearance

There is a very real chance the moon could spontaneously disappear, otherwise known as 'Spontaneous Moon Disappearance.' If this happened, the Earth would spin violently out of control into the depths of space either freezing the planet within minutes or hurling us into the Sun. Make sure you have plenty of bottled water and flashlights.